SOLDIER's Secrets
by Scripta Lexicona
Summary: Everyone has their secrets. Zack's is just a little more...unusual than others. Rated for Zack's stress-induced potty mouth. Part of SOLDIER series.


Disclaimer: If only I were as awesome as Nomura...**  
**

* * *

**SOLDIER's Secrets**

Whistling idly and tunelessly, Zack Fair strolled through the ShinRa training compound grounds. It was a beautiful day – sunny and warm with a light breeze gently tickling his hair. He couldn't help but grin as he walked, cheerfully swinging the 10lb. bucket he carried as though it was only 10oz.

A few other SOLDIERs passed and he gave them irreverent salutes which they returned with their own grins. As he continued, Zack came across fewer and fewer other people until he reached a section of the grounds that was hardly ever traversed. The only thing there, other than trees and bushes, was an old storage shed that had long since been forgotten and unused. Zack had happened upon it one day in the course of avoiding some boring person and/or assignment and realized almost immediately that it would be perfect for what he'd always, in the back of his mind, wanted to someday try. Wanting to make sure that it truly _was_ vacant and unlikely to be taken up again, he'd covertly observed both the shed and the area for a couple weeks, learning to his pleasure that they were indeed unfrequented. With this confirmation, he'd set to his secret goal with gusto.

It had taken him less time than he thought to get everything arranged, especially as careful as he was being not to draw attention to himself. Even now, though he'd successfully carried through with his plan and had avoided detection for nearly a month, Zack was still concerned about the possibility of discovery and what that would mean. But for the moment….

Casually looking over his shoulder to make sure he was alone, he shifted the bucket to his other hand and removed a key from his pocket. The key fit a padlock he'd bought for the door – just another precaution, though it would only deter idle lookers, not any of the ShinRa authority. Grinning again, he removed the lock, opened the door, and slipped inside, immediately greeted with a cacophony of loud voices.

"Hey, everybody! How are we all today?" Zack chuckled as the din grew louder. "Yeah, I know, I know. It's coming." One by one he went around the room unlocking the cell doors. As soon as they were open he was attacked – not that it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.

"Okay, okay! I said it's coming. Just be patient for a minute, huh? Ow! Sephiroth, you freaking psychopath, stop biting me!" With some difficulty, he opened Sephiroth's jaw which was clamped around his forearm. "Geez…" he muttered, rubbing the bruise. "Why don't all of you just back off for a second so I can—Cloud! Don't you start now, you little bastard!" He quickly moved his leg just before Cloud chomped on it.

Backpedaling a little to put some space between himself and the bodies swarming in around him, Zack reached for the bucket. This caused a new frenzy, not all of which was directed at his own person. With no small effort, he pried the lid off the bucket while trying to break up some fights that had erupted.

"Reno! Leave Sephiroth alone! Ohhh, you little!... Fine! He's going to kick your ass and don't come crying to me to patch you up! _Genesis_!! Don't you _dare_ egg him on! Oi! Tseng! That had _better_ not be Aerith you just jumped on…. Oh, good Gaia, it's Angeal…." Zack hurried over and removed Tseng from on top of Angeal, throwing the assaulter into another corner of the room. "You okay, Angeal? Good…."

The initial frenzy had died down now and Zack thought it was safe to turn his back on the hellions. He crouched down beside the bucket, dividing up what was inside…

…and jumped back up with a resounding yell as one of them very precisely and very _firmly_ bit down on one of his ass cheeks. With the fire of divine retribution blazing in his eyes, he wheeled around and sought out the culprit.

"_Cloud!! You scrawny little son-of-a-bitch! I swear by the Lifestream, naked! You will be naked and bald and I'll drop-kick your fucking ass straight to the North Crater!!_" The fire died down somewhat and Zack wiped off some spittle that had flown out during his slightly rabid, mostly incoherent rant while he reined in his anger-induced heavy breathing. Cloud had wisely run away, but alas, the man's ire was not yet sated.

"Okay, everyone, listen up! I _was_ going to let a couple of you outside today, but _forget it_! Cloud has ruined it for everyone! Though you're all pretty much rotten punks anyway. Feel free to take it out on his hide!" The others gave the offender looks that Zack would say ran from exasperated to homicidal – basically matching his own feelings. Cloud did his best to blend in with the wall.

With a sigh, Zack went back to his earlier task, quickly dividing up the contents of the bucket into several dishes which he spread out through the room, attempting to keep the cretins apart from each other. It worked fairly well until Genesis decided that what he had wasn't good enough and he must have Sephiroth's instead – despite the fact that they were exactly the same. So Zack was forced to cut in, grabbing neck scruffs and separating the two again before serious bodily harm could be inflicted. However, this was the only disturbance of the peace and he was finally able to relax, sitting against a wall and watching them in silence. After a few minutes he put his head back to rest on the wall and closed his eyes, forearms resting lightly on his raised knees.

Another few minutes passed and then something brushed softly against one of Zack's hands. His opened his eyes to see Aerith nuzzling him with her head. A small smile curled his lips as he greeted, "Hey, babe." With a gentle hand he began lightly stroking her head. Then, unable to help himself, he drew her into a delicate embrace. His smile widened when she cooed sweetly in his ear. Drawing back he gave her one of his usual grins and stroked a finger down her cheek.

"Thanks. I needed that. These guys are driving me nuts. I mean, I love 'em, but _geez_…." Aerith cooed once more and butted him with her head before moving off. With a chuckle, Zack got to his feet.

"Alright, listen up, you … nevermind. I'm going for a little bit, but I'll be back later and then _maybe_, if you can behave yourselves for _five freaking minutes_, I'll let you out, okay?" This announcement was greeted with noises of jubilation and a couple more brief scuffles. Rolling his eyes, Zack picked up the now-empty bucket and slid out the door.

He was so fixated on making sure none of them tried to slip out behind him that he forgot to look out and see that no one else was around. It was far too late to be sneaky when he finally realized he wasn't alone.

" 'Drop-kick your fucking ass straight to the North Crater', huh?" taunted the teen leaning casually against the side of the building with his arms crossed.

"C-cloud!" For one of the few times in his life, Zack had no idea what to say.

"Naked and bald?" The blond looked over and arched a brow.

"I … you … how … does Sephiroth know?" Zack knew it was a futile question, but just maybe….

"Of course he does," Cloud answered matter-of-factly, dashing that small hope. "Who do you think told me?"

Zack grimaced. _Omniscient bastard. _"Did he tell anyone else?"

Cloud shook his head. "I don't think so. Technically, he didn't even really tell _me_. He just told me to come down here because I was looking for you." He paused. "I don't think he _will_ tell anyone else."

Zack grimaced again. "No, he'll probably store the information away for later use." Later _horrible_ use.

"So," the blond began with a smile, "can I take a look?"

The older teen grinned back. "Sure." He carefully opened the door again and they both slipped inside.

"Wow. They're pretty young yet, aren't they?"

Zack nodded. "They're about nine weeks old. They're getting pretty frisky."

"Yeah, they grow fast and go through some pretty annoying phases but it's worth it. So which one is Cloud?" Zack grinned and pointed him out, still next to a wall, trying to pretend he wasn't there.

"Geez, he's got some messed up feathers on his head." Cloud was silent for a moment as his comment sank in and then he gave Zack a look. "Is _that_ why you named him 'Cloud'? Reno's hair is pretty funky, too, you know."

Laughing, Zack answered, "Only partly. The other part was personality. They don't have much yet, but it's starting to come through." Sending another look at the dark-haired teen, Cloud walked over to his namesake and carefully stroked a cheek. The other Cloud cooed happily and lazily closed an eye then promptly attempted to eat the blond's finger.

"Aa! Hey! He is kind of a bastard, isn't he?" Turning back to Zack, the younger teen noticed he was being eyed intently by one of the others. About to ask who it was, the words were cut off as he was pounced, a mouth clamping down on the front of his shirt, just barely missing the skin underneath.

"_Holy crap!_ What do you think you're doing, you psycho?" With a strong but careful hand Cloud dislodged the body still clinging to his clothes. He gave Zack a wry look. "Let me guess: Sephiroth."

"Uh, yeah." Zack was trying to hold in his laughter, but it was difficult – it was so nice to see someone _other_ than himself being tortured by these brats.

Smoothing out his shirt, Cloud cast Zack a curious glance. "So why all this?" To his surprise the older teen sobered up.

"It kind of bothers me," he responded seriously. "I mean, we hardly use chocobos, but as SOLDIERs we're just supposed to treat them like any other tool. To be used and discarded when no longer useful. I don't think that's right. I like them, even if they are pains in the butt. They're kind of cute." Cloud looked up with a smile at that, ceasing the petting of one that Zack recognized as Aerith, the lone female in the group and often the lone voice of reason.

"I understand," Cloud spoke quietly. He looked around once more, still smiling, and walked back over to Zack. "If you'd like, I'll help you take care of them," he offered.

Zack gave him a huge smile of delighted surprise. "Yeah?"

Cloud nodded. "Yeah. I like them, too. Just keep that bastard Sephiroth away from me."

Zack laughed and clapped his friend on the back as they exited. "Afraid you're on your own there, partner."

* * *

AN: I'm growing concerned that I'm incapable of writing anything for FFVII that isn't at least a little bit crack, but I just couldn't resist this. As part of my job I hand-raise baby parrots. Right now I have 14 budgies. Since there is no lack of names to choose from, I named them all after FFVII characters, all the original party members plus Sephiroth, Zack, Reno, Tseng, and Angeal. Baby budgies are complete and utter psychos so much of my conversation with them while feeding sounds a lot like Zack's. But they are just so damn cute... And I would love to raise a chocobo... -dreams- 

Originally written 28 Feb. '08


End file.
